monkeys and marbles

Archive for the ‘pity party’ Category

note: i wrote this before i know there was theme for Haiku Friday this week. please forgive me, but i needed to vent about being a woman. i will be sure to follow the theme next time.

i was so lucky
no pms to speak of
never had a cramp

been told no mood swings
no bloating or discomfort
but it wouldn’t last

come back to bite me
with these head-splitting migraines
payback, you’re a BITCH!

is was so lucky, and i took it for granted. and oh, am i paying for it now!

i went through high school never having been bothered by my period…other than the inconvenience of the bulky pads available in the late 80’s. mind you, every once in a while i would feel a little nauseated on the first day, but that’s it. and this continued through my 20s and early 30s. okay…i can here you yelling nasty names at me….just get it out of your system now so i can proceed with my pity party story.

i’ve been told that i don’t have mood swings during that time of the month. hubby even asked me after we’d been living together for about a year if i would plot my cycles on the calendar so he would know when i was having it because he couldn’t tell…just so he would know when it was appropriate to try and put the moves on me.

when i was late in my pregnancy with Zander, i asked my doctor what contractions would feel like when they started. she told me they would feel like period cramps. i told her i’d never had any. by the look on her face, she thought i was lying. seriously people…never. one. cramp.

well, i’m now paying for all those carefree years. about 7 months ago i started getting migraines with my cycle. they start either the day before or on the first day of my period. they last anywhere from 2-4 days. and they are excruciating. i’m talking jam-something-sharp-through-my-eye-socket-and-into-my-brain-and-then-wiggle-it-around in-there kind of pain.

during these migraines, i can hardly take care of the boys, let alone myself. i never knew how noisy they were until each little sound felt like a cleaver cutting into my skull. or how much light the curtains in the living room still let through when they’re closed. or how many toys we have that make all types of seizure inducing noise. or how fucking bright this laptop monitor is!

this whole thing has forced me to not make plans anywhere near my expected monthly. unfortunately, my crystal ball isn’t always clear.

as some of you know, i am a big time paper-crafter and card-maker, and am a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator to make a little cash to support my hobby. in recent months, i have lost my passion. i’m trying to get it back, because when i’m doing it i am so happy. damn ppd.

anyhoo, a few months ago i signed up to attend a convention in Ottawa for Canadian demonstrators. i’ve been so excited about it…until last week when i realized it landed at the start of my cycle. the convention is tomorrow. sure enough, my period started yesterday…and so did my migraine. i’ve been trying to complete some cards for a swap i’m going to be participating in tomorrow, while my head is threatening to split in half and my eyeballs feel like they are liquifying.

this is the second day of my migraine, and i’m praying that i will wake up tomorrow and it will be gone. but i’m not holding out too much hope.

oh payback…you are a cold-hearted bitch!

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i’ve tried a couple of different drugs for my ppd since being diagnosed a year ago. i’m still trying to find one that works well. they all seem to work on some of my…er…issues, but not all.

Luvox was great for my depression, but did nothing for my anxiety attacks. Celexa worked wonders on my anxiety, but did nothing for my depression and made my fatigue worse (i didn’t even think that was possible!).

i’m currently on Effexor. i was told that this drug can take longer to work than others, so we gave it a while. i’ve been on it for 7 months now, and i’m just not thinking it’s the drug for me. first of all, it took a couple of months to do anything. Secondly, it’s worked on my depression as well as my anxiety, but has fallen short for me. it’s take a bit of the edge off….but that’s it. even after my dose was increased, it doesn’t seem to do as much as the others.

and lastly…and this is the big one….it was simply too easy for me to fall back into my depression-induced malaise after the move to the new house. my anxiety has creeped back. not as bad as before the meds, but bad enough to be a big, red, flashing warning light that something is amiss. my fatigue is almost unbearable. i can hardly wake up and i nap whenever i get the chance (even in the car for the 5 minute trip to the grocery store). as for my passions, which are blogging and cardmaking….well…they’ve gone out the window, as is clearly evident by my few-and-far-between posts over the past couple of months.  i’ve also lost touched with so many friends…i’ve become a hermit again.

so there you have it. i rest my case. it’s time for a new drug.

but here’s the rub. events in the last couple of days have made me scared to get off the Effexor. allow me to explain…

the other night i didn’t sleep much. my asthma was so bad that i kept waking up in spectacular fits of choking. so i was up reading most of the night while trying to quell my attacks. (atleast if i was awake, i could catch the attacks before they grew to catastrophic proportions.) so when morning came, i had slept a grand total of 2.5 hours. what with the brain fog and all, i failed to remember that my Effexor prescription had run out the day before, and that i had called in my refill but hadn’t picked it up yet. this is where the story takes a horrific turn.

sometime in the afternoon i started to feel weird. my doctor had warned me of the possibility of a “zinging” sensation when going off of Effexor, so i knew what it was, and that it was because i hadn’t taken my dose that day. i told Carlos, who quickly got to feeding the kids their dinner so he could go out and get my refill, since by then i knew i couldn’t drive. the “zinging” sensations where enough to completely disorient me.

during the time it took to feed the boys, i got worse. my skin was crawling, i was dizzy, i was weak, my speech sounded “jittery”, i was shivering, and the “zinging” had now taken on a feeling more akin to electrocution. every time i made the slightest movement, i got zapped. every time something touched me (one of the boys, my sweater, or when i touched my glass of water to pick it up), i got zapped. every time i turned my head, not matter how little, i got zapped. it was awful.

one of the worst things were the brain flashes. every couple of minutes it was like there were suddenly thousands of camera flashes in my head. the key phrase here is “in my head“. this wasn’t something i saw with my eyes. it was the same whether i had my eyes open or closed. and if that wasn’t disturbing enough, the sound that accompanied these flashes was straight out of a horror movie. you know that metallic “schwing” sound that swords make in movies? well, it was like that crossed with an electric zapping sound.

i won’t go into the details of how our pharmacy closed earlier than we expected, and how we had to find another pharmacy that would fill my prescription with just my empty pill bottle rather than an actual doctor-written prescription. to make a long story short, it took about 3.5 hours from the time i took my missed dose to when i started to feel better. it wasn’t till the next morning that i was completely myself again.

i Googled this whole nightmare to find out that Effexor is known for its intense and torturous withdrawal symptoms. some people, even after slowly lowering their dose until they are Effexor free, have suffered dizziness and other nasty side effects for weeks after stopping the drug.

so, though i’m finally ready to try a different medication, i’m facing a long, nightmarish departure from the Effexor. i guess the silver lining here is that i’ve been given a glimpse into what it will be like so i can be prepared. i have a feeling that the start of my Effexor-weening will be timed with one of my mom’s week-long visits!

the old saying “the cure is worse than the disease” has never rung so true.

hey, have you seen cate?
she hasn’t blogged in ages
where the hell’d she go?

she used to be here
it’s like she done dropped off the
face of the planet!

i’m here. and i’m sorry i left the blogosphere without a word to anyone. but i’ve been in my own personal packing/unpacking/moving hell. seriously…whose idea was it to move anyway? oh ya…it was mine.

anyhoo….

i’m in my new house. it’s small, but beautiful. the layout makes daily life with the boys much easier. still settling in, but we’re enjoying it.

moving was tougher than i thought it would be. lots of thoughts and emotions cropped up that i kinda half-expected didn’t expect, and which took their toll on me…leading to my disappearance. and the logistics of the move itself were mind-boggling. but that’s another super-long post.

i’d like to keep my re-entry light-hearted, so i’ll refrain from sharing the depressing details for a few days. for now, i’m just glad to be back.

i missed you all….did you miss me? (lookin’ for some love here…hint hint! 😉 )

oh God…i can’t do this. i’m not strong enough. i can’t watch my 2.5 year old son starve himself. i can’t keep trying things that don’t work. i can’t get my hopes up, only to have them dashed so soon after.

i’m not strong enough for this. why is this happening? i don’t understand.

we went to the parents’ group at the Children’s Hospital. we talked to other parents whose children had similar eating issues/disorders. we talked to a myriad of specialists. we thought we had to tools and information to attack this problem.

none of it helped.

we had a one-on-one session with the OT and Psychologist from the group, and we thought we heard what we needed to hear…what would help us.

we were wrong.

we now go for twice-monthly visits with his Psychologist. each time, we leave there with a new plan of attack…a new method to try….a new way of doing things. we leave with a spring in our step, and some optimism that we’ve finally found something that will work.

it never does.

i don’t know how much more of this i can take. i’ve never felt so helpless in my life. my child not only doesn’t want to eat…doesn’t like to eat. he is almost petrified of eating. he screams to get away from the table. and it’s getting worse.

he used to eat pizza like it was going out of style. now he will take his few bites, and then ask to leave the table with this fright in his voice…he needs to get away from this eating scene. the few things that he used to like to eat, he doesn’t want to eat anymore. i don’t get it.

tonight we put cut-up bits of chicken fingers, corn and cauliflower on his plate. he had a sip of his water, took one look at his plate and scream “done!”. we begged and pleaded, as we always do. but he was done. not one bite, and as far as he was concerned his dinner was over. we did manage to get two teeny tiny bites of chicken into him, but we had to bribe him…he could get down from the table if he had two pieces of chicken. and we had to pretend they were Percy and Skarloey, two of his favourite engines from Thomas. even then, he was thisclose to spitting them out…we had to convince him it was okay to chew and swallow them. it was as if he thought the food was going to hurt him. a look of fear mixed with disgust was painted on his face as he painfully chewed and swallowed these minuscule bits of chicken.

after he had eaten the chicken, we let him down as promised. he ran around playing with his train and track while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. we invited Zander back to the table for dessert. yogurt…his favourite. but no, he did not want to come back to that damn table. i believe his exact words were “no way!”.

beaten down and needing our little boy to go to bed with more than 1/20th of a chicken finger (especially since he had refused his after-nap snack, meaning he hadn’t had anything to eat since lunch), we agreed to feed him yogurt on the couch while he watched TV. and when i say we agreed to feed him, i mean we spoon fed him. that’s right…we had to spoon feed yogurt to our 2.5 year old son. ’cause that’s the only way he would have anything to do with it.

with the terror of the dining table behind him and Thomas the Train suitably entertaining him, we snuck another yogurt and some puréed strawberry-banana into him. far from what a toddler should be having for dinner since most toddlers don’t eat mainly purées, but it’s better than nothing.

tonight’s dinner took almost an hour and a half, start to finish. now i could handle that if it happened every once in a while. but it doesn’t. it happens everyday. everyday. sometimes every meal.

i watch this smart, funny, beautiful, amazing little boy of ours….he’s barely eating, he won’t try to eat new things, he’s growing slowly, he’s been bouncing between 22 and 26 pounds for over a year, but never gains anymore weight….and i don’t know how to help him. and it’s killing me.

i don’t know how much longer i can do this. i want to stop trying to be strong. i want to just let myself crumble. i want to curl up into a ball and let the tears flow for however many hours or days they keep coming. i want to wallow in my feelings of uselessness and failure, my ppd and self-pity.

but i can’t. i have to be there for Zander and help him through this. i have another son who has issues of his own. and i have a husband that is going through all of this too, and who needs me there with him.

i just don’t know if i’m strong enough to do this.

Blogger was a bitch
gave me the ice cold shoulder
my thoughts were not safe

my posts disappeared
my changes not always saved
Blogger done me wrong

my move was not easy
sad to leave my first blog-home
it had to be done

i do love WordPress
feeling oh so at home here
where i write my thoughts

but for one small thing
fun widgets not supported
my place looks so drab

once i find a host
that allows my potty mouth

fun widgets galore!

i’m still looking for a web host…still open to recommendations. i’m hoping to be hosted by sometime next week. free to use all types of java-scripty widgety goodness. one day it will be mine…oh yes!

Haiku Friday