monkeys and marbles

Archive for the ‘me me me’ Category

note: i wrote this before i know there was theme for Haiku Friday this week. please forgive me, but i needed to vent about being a woman. i will be sure to follow the theme next time.

i was so lucky
no pms to speak of
never had a cramp

been told no mood swings
no bloating or discomfort
but it wouldn’t last

come back to bite me
with these head-splitting migraines
payback, you’re a BITCH!

is was so lucky, and i took it for granted. and oh, am i paying for it now!

i went through high school never having been bothered by my period…other than the inconvenience of the bulky pads available in the late 80’s. mind you, every once in a while i would feel a little nauseated on the first day, but that’s it. and this continued through my 20s and early 30s. okay…i can here you yelling nasty names at me….just get it out of your system now so i can proceed with my pity party story.

i’ve been told that i don’t have mood swings during that time of the month. hubby even asked me after we’d been living together for about a year if i would plot my cycles on the calendar so he would know when i was having it because he couldn’t tell…just so he would know when it was appropriate to try and put the moves on me.

when i was late in my pregnancy with Zander, i asked my doctor what contractions would feel like when they started. she told me they would feel like period cramps. i told her i’d never had any. by the look on her face, she thought i was lying. seriously people…never. one. cramp.

well, i’m now paying for all those carefree years. about 7 months ago i started getting migraines with my cycle. they start either the day before or on the first day of my period. they last anywhere from 2-4 days. and they are excruciating. i’m talking jam-something-sharp-through-my-eye-socket-and-into-my-brain-and-then-wiggle-it-around in-there kind of pain.

during these migraines, i can hardly take care of the boys, let alone myself. i never knew how noisy they were until each little sound felt like a cleaver cutting into my skull. or how much light the curtains in the living room still let through when they’re closed. or how many toys we have that make all types of seizure inducing noise. or how fucking bright this laptop monitor is!

this whole thing has forced me to not make plans anywhere near my expected monthly. unfortunately, my crystal ball isn’t always clear.

as some of you know, i am a big time paper-crafter and card-maker, and am a Stampin’ Up! demonstrator to make a little cash to support my hobby. in recent months, i have lost my passion. i’m trying to get it back, because when i’m doing it i am so happy. damn ppd.

anyhoo, a few months ago i signed up to attend a convention in Ottawa for Canadian demonstrators. i’ve been so excited about it…until last week when i realized it landed at the start of my cycle. the convention is tomorrow. sure enough, my period started yesterday…and so did my migraine. i’ve been trying to complete some cards for a swap i’m going to be participating in tomorrow, while my head is threatening to split in half and my eyeballs feel like they are liquifying.

this is the second day of my migraine, and i’m praying that i will wake up tomorrow and it will be gone. but i’m not holding out too much hope.

oh payback…you are a cold-hearted bitch!

i’ve tried a couple of different drugs for my ppd since being diagnosed a year ago. i’m still trying to find one that works well. they all seem to work on some of my…er…issues, but not all.

Luvox was great for my depression, but did nothing for my anxiety attacks. Celexa worked wonders on my anxiety, but did nothing for my depression and made my fatigue worse (i didn’t even think that was possible!).

i’m currently on Effexor. i was told that this drug can take longer to work than others, so we gave it a while. i’ve been on it for 7 months now, and i’m just not thinking it’s the drug for me. first of all, it took a couple of months to do anything. Secondly, it’s worked on my depression as well as my anxiety, but has fallen short for me. it’s take a bit of the edge off….but that’s it. even after my dose was increased, it doesn’t seem to do as much as the others.

and lastly…and this is the big one….it was simply too easy for me to fall back into my depression-induced malaise after the move to the new house. my anxiety has creeped back. not as bad as before the meds, but bad enough to be a big, red, flashing warning light that something is amiss. my fatigue is almost unbearable. i can hardly wake up and i nap whenever i get the chance (even in the car for the 5 minute trip to the grocery store). as for my passions, which are blogging and cardmaking….well…they’ve gone out the window, as is clearly evident by my few-and-far-between posts over the past couple of months.  i’ve also lost touched with so many friends…i’ve become a hermit again.

so there you have it. i rest my case. it’s time for a new drug.

but here’s the rub. events in the last couple of days have made me scared to get off the Effexor. allow me to explain…

the other night i didn’t sleep much. my asthma was so bad that i kept waking up in spectacular fits of choking. so i was up reading most of the night while trying to quell my attacks. (atleast if i was awake, i could catch the attacks before they grew to catastrophic proportions.) so when morning came, i had slept a grand total of 2.5 hours. what with the brain fog and all, i failed to remember that my Effexor prescription had run out the day before, and that i had called in my refill but hadn’t picked it up yet. this is where the story takes a horrific turn.

sometime in the afternoon i started to feel weird. my doctor had warned me of the possibility of a “zinging” sensation when going off of Effexor, so i knew what it was, and that it was because i hadn’t taken my dose that day. i told Carlos, who quickly got to feeding the kids their dinner so he could go out and get my refill, since by then i knew i couldn’t drive. the “zinging” sensations where enough to completely disorient me.

during the time it took to feed the boys, i got worse. my skin was crawling, i was dizzy, i was weak, my speech sounded “jittery”, i was shivering, and the “zinging” had now taken on a feeling more akin to electrocution. every time i made the slightest movement, i got zapped. every time something touched me (one of the boys, my sweater, or when i touched my glass of water to pick it up), i got zapped. every time i turned my head, not matter how little, i got zapped. it was awful.

one of the worst things were the brain flashes. every couple of minutes it was like there were suddenly thousands of camera flashes in my head. the key phrase here is “in my head“. this wasn’t something i saw with my eyes. it was the same whether i had my eyes open or closed. and if that wasn’t disturbing enough, the sound that accompanied these flashes was straight out of a horror movie. you know that metallic “schwing” sound that swords make in movies? well, it was like that crossed with an electric zapping sound.

i won’t go into the details of how our pharmacy closed earlier than we expected, and how we had to find another pharmacy that would fill my prescription with just my empty pill bottle rather than an actual doctor-written prescription. to make a long story short, it took about 3.5 hours from the time i took my missed dose to when i started to feel better. it wasn’t till the next morning that i was completely myself again.

i Googled this whole nightmare to find out that Effexor is known for its intense and torturous withdrawal symptoms. some people, even after slowly lowering their dose until they are Effexor free, have suffered dizziness and other nasty side effects for weeks after stopping the drug.

so, though i’m finally ready to try a different medication, i’m facing a long, nightmarish departure from the Effexor. i guess the silver lining here is that i’ve been given a glimpse into what it will be like so i can be prepared. i have a feeling that the start of my Effexor-weening will be timed with one of my mom’s week-long visits!

the old saying “the cure is worse than the disease” has never rung so true.

you may have noticed i haven’t been posting much for the past couple of months. allow me to explain.

when i first started blogging, it was kinda sporadic. but then i really got into it, and developed a flow…a groove, if you will. this groove made it easy for me to write my blog on a regular basis. and it was good.

then i lost my groove, and everything went to shit. allow me to elaborate.

first, there was NaBloPoMo. wow…that was tougher than i’d expected. i wrote whenever i had time about whatever…it was mostly drivel. and most of the bloggers in my reader were a part of NaBloPoMo too, so i was drowning in unread posts. i just couldn’t keep up. i had promised myself i would take a break at the start of December, and it’s been tough to get back into it since.

then there is my laptop battery. my iBook G4 is one of my best friends….but the battery? not so much. i usually write my blog posts a bit at a time during the day…whenever i have a spare 10 seconds, but this is becoming impossible. the battery has been not-so-slowly losing charge capacity, until the point where i turn it on and have about 10 minutes at most to get done what i need to do before it dies. some of you are probably thinking “so just use the power adapter”, and that would be the easiest thing to do. unfortunately, i have two toddler boys. i won’t mention any names, but one of them Zander likes to yank and fiddle with and accidentally unplug the cord make sure that all cords are untangled, plugged in tight, not twisted, plugged in tight, lying straight, plugged in tight, and all buttons are pressed….repeatedly, and the other Logan has a strange vendetta against all cords and computer/electronic equipment, and does his best to destroy them all. now, if my laptop is running on the battery, it’s fairly easy to keep it out of harm’s way. if i’m sitting on the couch with it, i can lift it up or run off with it (oooh…that sounds so mature, no?), or i can use it at the kitchen counter or where ever. but if i need to use the adapter, i am chained to one corner of the couch without much cord length, and no chance for any speedy get-aways (we don’t have a computer desk on the main floor of our house…that would just be asking for trouble!). needless to say, this pretty much means no computer time for mommy when the boys are awake. and when the boys are napping, mommy is cleaning up…and sometimes napping.

then there were the holidays. i think everyone agrees they put a festive halt to daily posts for most of us. we were all too busy with parties and get-togethers, vacations, recovering relaxing after the holidays….hubby had a week and a half off work, so we’ve been enjoying the time together, and he’s been loving the extra time playing with the boys.

and then, there’s iPhoto. i’ve been using iPhoto to crop and resize photos for my blog, and i love it. hubby upgraded to iPhoto 8, and it was good. so many new features. but i can’t get the damn thing to resize! i looked online and found a tutorial with screen captures, and it’s like part of the menu is missing on our install….wtf? there have been so many posts i’ve had brewing in my head that need photo accompaniment…and i can’t publish them until i can resize the stupid fracking pictures!

all these things have been messing with my flow….my blog-writing groove. i’ve recovered from NaBloPoMo and the holidays are over, so there’s two down. only two to go!

i will try harder to get posting more often again. until then, please refer to the above post for my excuses.

today is my Blogaversary. i’m in shock. seriously…has it been a year?

on January 1st, 2007 i wrote my first post at a blog i had set up with Blogger called “A Beautiful Life”. in this post i laid out my plans for this blog. oh, so much has happened since then…including a location and name change.

i figured blogging would be a good way to keep a type of “journal” of the boys’ lives as they grew up, and it has definitely been good for that. think of all the wonderfully funny and embarrassing anecdotes i will be able to share with them when they are older and they bring a girlfriend home to meet mom! (ya…i’ll consider that payback for all the temper tantrums and poopy diaper changes)

i was hoping to use this blog to be able to get out all of my feelings, good and bad. little did i know that this blog would allow me to express myself so freely, so honestly that it would be a catharsis i had never before experienced.

but what i really wasn’t expecting were the amazing friendships that i have found. no matter what i do here, what i say/write, how often or rarely i post, no matter what, it’s okay. we are truly all friends here. it sounds cheese-tastic, but it’s true.

i have made friends that share the preemie/GERD experience, the PPD experience, the Alopecia experience. i’ve made friends that share my wacky sense of humour. i’ve made friends that just get me. friends that support me. friends that give me a kick in the ass when i need it, and that make me laugh when i’m down.

so to all of my cyber-friends, thank you so much. i had no idea that blogging, and the people i met while doing it, would become such an important part of my life. you all rock, and i love you for it.

here’s to another year of tales from the monkey house!

i was nominated by the wonderful Janet of from the planet of janet for this Blogher meme that is circulating. (thank you for your kind words, Janet!) so here goes….

1) my name is cate, and i blog at monkeys and marbles. here is my “about me” page.

2) i would love to be profiled on BlogHer as a family blogger as part of the Me and Mine 100.

3) i have been bloggin for almost a year, since January 1st, 2007. (i started at a blog called A Beautiful Life, and moved over the monkeys and marbles in September)

4) and now it is my turn to pass this meme on to three other bloggers that i think should be profiled/interviewed, and ask them to do the meme.

i was nominated by the wonderful Janet of from the planet of janet for this Blogher meme that is circulating. (thank you for your kind words, Janet!) so here goes….

1) my name is cate, and i blog at monkeys and marbles. here is my “about me” page.

2) i would love to be profiled on BlogHer as a family blogger as part of the Me and Mine 100.

3) i have been bloggin for almost a year, since January 1st, 2007. (i started at a blog called A Beautiful Life, and moved over the monkeys and marbles in September)

4) and now it is my turn to pass this meme on to three other bloggers that i think should be profiled/interviewed, and ask them to do the meme.  this is a tough one…i would love to nominate my whole blogroll…can i do that?  so i’ve decided to nominate the three bloggers that i’ve read the longest, and who inspired me to continue with my blog when i was wondering if it was worth it…and it has definitely been worth it.

Sara of Suburban Oblivion is an incredible woman, and she has extended her friendship to me so many times…and she’s had my back when i really needed it.

Jennifer of Playgroups Are No Place for Children, with who i’ve found so much in common, and is always willing to give advice when i ask.

Heather of The Queen of Shake-Shake, who is one amazing and strong woman who makes me laugh till i pee.

i’m sorry i can’t nominate you all!

i knew i would miss my blog reading while i was staying with parents, but i didn’t know how much.

i have so little time on the computer.  the boys are so busy here.  there’s so much to see….since i grew up on a farm, there are tractors and dump trucks and fields, and open spaces for miles.  the views here are spectacular.  and then we have family members visiting.  it’s been nice to see my brother, my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew.  i miss them so much.

since the computer is in the room that Zander sleeps in, my opportunities for internet time are very limited.  i have just enough time to write my blog, and do a quick video-conference so that daddy can say goodnight to the boys.  that’s it.

at first i thought it would be fine…i’ll write my blog, i’ll spend time with my family, and i’ll catch up with my bloggies when i get home.  but i feel like i’m missing out on so much!

my daily routine of blog reading has been interrupted.  and i miss it.

hope everyone out there is doing well.  i’m sorry i don’t have time to find out for myself.  but soon, i will be back to reading and leaving comments….but till then, i just wanted to say that i miss you!

be back soon…i promise.