monkeys and marbles

Archive for the ‘in all seriousness’ Category

we met with Zander’s psychologist yesterday, which we do every two weeks.

i actually enjoy these visits. there is no judgment, only reassurance and advice.  she has a very calming way about her…such a warm smile and kind eyes.  we told her how he’s starting to eat less and less again. she reassured us that he was still doing well, but that we had to find a new approach. we discussed Zander’s eating in a relaxed way.  all the while Zander was playing and showing her things and Logan was systematically destroying everything in the room.

so, our new plan of attack….we are to stop trying him on new foods and more solid foods, and just go with foods he likes. jarred baby food is fine, since he will eat most of it with minimal objection, but we are to start mixing in some cream (like whipping cream) so as to try and make him gain some weight. we can spoon feed him if that’s what he wants, since she knows he can feed himself…he’s just using it as a comfort thing right now, and that’s okay.

the goal right now is to get him to eat more, to focus on nutrient, and to make meal time relaxing and fun for him. no stress. if he wants pureed peas and corn for dinner, that’s fine. but there’s a little trick we are to use. he will eat tiny bits of chicken, pasta, etc. we know this because we’ve seen him. so we’re supposed to say “okay, you can have your pureed peas after you take two small bites of chicken”. we’ve done this, and it actually works sometimes.

i’m hoping this will be less stressful than trying to get him to eat whole solid dinners. Logan will eat hearty beef stew along with us, but Zander will either refuse it, or if we try to get him to eat it, the gagging and puking will start again. so we’re back to making between 2 and 3 different meals 3 times a day. but it’s a lot easier to get him to eat purees and toast and cheese, without the pressure to get him eating what we’re eating.

so this is good. one thing at a time. get him to eat more. i can handle that. once the quantity is where we want it, we can start introducing new foods again. he will by the hopefully recognize his hunger, and how much he needs to eat to satisfy it.

we are still at the far end of the tunnel, but i’m beginning to see a faint glimmer of light at the other end.

thanks to everyone who left their supportive comments and sent their caring emails. i’m sorry if i worried anyone with yesterday’s pity post. i was having one of those days…you know those days where everything just seems like too much to handle. and Zander’s refusal to eat dinner was just the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

i started blogging 10 months ago to try and better record all of the boys milestones and fun moments and memories as they grew up. what i found was how cathartic it was to just write honestly…to vent, and whine when i needed. to record not only the good times, but the bad times as well. because that’s the reality of our life…it ain’t always easy. but it ain’t always bad either.

in the past 10 months i have met so many amazing people. i have met women who make me laugh till i pee. i’ve met moms who have gone though or are going through similar problems, from struggling with ppd to raising GERDlings to having Alopecia. i’ve met woman who have their own battles with things i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies.

i’d list them all here, but that would take forever. you can just take a peek at my blogroll (which unfortunately is desperately in need of updating), and you will see so many strong, funny, amazing women.

the greatest thing about this Blog-world we are in…when i need to vent, like i did yesterday, i feel like i am among friends. i can say anything. anything i want to say. anything i need to say. and my friends are there to put their arms around me and tell me it’s okay. we all need that sometimes, don’t we?

all the warm and fuzzies were just what i needed. and to further boost my mood, Stepford Mom has thrown blush-inducing compliments my way. the fact that she puts me in the same league as Redneck Mommy is the ultimate ego-stroke. if you’ve never read her blog, get on over there. this woman is strong, she’s real, and she’s got a rockin’ sense of humour to boot!

so thank you again, my friends. thank you for being there for me. and i’ll be there for…you anytime you need me.

oh God…i can’t do this. i’m not strong enough. i can’t watch my 2.5 year old son starve himself. i can’t keep trying things that don’t work. i can’t get my hopes up, only to have them dashed so soon after.

i’m not strong enough for this. why is this happening? i don’t understand.

we went to the parents’ group at the Children’s Hospital. we talked to other parents whose children had similar eating issues/disorders. we talked to a myriad of specialists. we thought we had to tools and information to attack this problem.

none of it helped.

we had a one-on-one session with the OT and Psychologist from the group, and we thought we heard what we needed to hear…what would help us.

we were wrong.

we now go for twice-monthly visits with his Psychologist. each time, we leave there with a new plan of attack…a new method to try….a new way of doing things. we leave with a spring in our step, and some optimism that we’ve finally found something that will work.

it never does.

i don’t know how much more of this i can take. i’ve never felt so helpless in my life. my child not only doesn’t want to eat…doesn’t like to eat. he is almost petrified of eating. he screams to get away from the table. and it’s getting worse.

he used to eat pizza like it was going out of style. now he will take his few bites, and then ask to leave the table with this fright in his voice…he needs to get away from this eating scene. the few things that he used to like to eat, he doesn’t want to eat anymore. i don’t get it.

tonight we put cut-up bits of chicken fingers, corn and cauliflower on his plate. he had a sip of his water, took one look at his plate and scream “done!”. we begged and pleaded, as we always do. but he was done. not one bite, and as far as he was concerned his dinner was over. we did manage to get two teeny tiny bites of chicken into him, but we had to bribe him…he could get down from the table if he had two pieces of chicken. and we had to pretend they were Percy and Skarloey, two of his favourite engines from Thomas. even then, he was thisclose to spitting them out…we had to convince him it was okay to chew and swallow them. it was as if he thought the food was going to hurt him. a look of fear mixed with disgust was painted on his face as he painfully chewed and swallowed these minuscule bits of chicken.

after he had eaten the chicken, we let him down as promised. he ran around playing with his train and track while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. we invited Zander back to the table for dessert. yogurt…his favourite. but no, he did not want to come back to that damn table. i believe his exact words were “no way!”.

beaten down and needing our little boy to go to bed with more than 1/20th of a chicken finger (especially since he had refused his after-nap snack, meaning he hadn’t had anything to eat since lunch), we agreed to feed him yogurt on the couch while he watched TV. and when i say we agreed to feed him, i mean we spoon fed him. that’s right…we had to spoon feed yogurt to our 2.5 year old son. ’cause that’s the only way he would have anything to do with it.

with the terror of the dining table behind him and Thomas the Train suitably entertaining him, we snuck another yogurt and some puréed strawberry-banana into him. far from what a toddler should be having for dinner since most toddlers don’t eat mainly purées, but it’s better than nothing.

tonight’s dinner took almost an hour and a half, start to finish. now i could handle that if it happened every once in a while. but it doesn’t. it happens everyday. everyday. sometimes every meal.

i watch this smart, funny, beautiful, amazing little boy of ours….he’s barely eating, he won’t try to eat new things, he’s growing slowly, he’s been bouncing between 22 and 26 pounds for over a year, but never gains anymore weight….and i don’t know how to help him. and it’s killing me.

i don’t know how much longer i can do this. i want to stop trying to be strong. i want to just let myself crumble. i want to curl up into a ball and let the tears flow for however many hours or days they keep coming. i want to wallow in my feelings of uselessness and failure, my ppd and self-pity.

but i can’t. i have to be there for Zander and help him through this. i have another son who has issues of his own. and i have a husband that is going through all of this too, and who needs me there with him.

i just don’t know if i’m strong enough to do this.

that downside would be comments of the negative persuasion. and i got my first today.

as my regular readers know, i have taken to calling my youngest son Logan an asshole in order to keep my sanity with all of his antics…it’s just in fun, of course. well, someone left a comment on my Haiku Friday post about the boys saying “That you would ever call your child an asshole is horrible.”

*** before going any further, i would like it to be known that the tone of this post is not angry…i’m not angry. i would just like to state my case…my view point. i have no way of knowing if this comment is legitimate, or if it was left by someone looking to spark a fight…leaving the comment as flame-bait. i have no interest in a flame war, and i have no interest in being part of one. ***

i started blogging for myself, not for anyone else. i blog to retain/regain my identity, and as an attempt to keep what little sanity i have left. when i posted about my diagnosis of Post Partum Depression i received an an amazing amount of support from my fellow mom-bloggers. for the first time since i started blogging, i felt like i could write anything i wanted to, or in this case needed to, and it would be okay. i started this new blog so that i could really vent my feelings without my family reading anything i didn’t want them to read.

in case anyone doesn’t know where i’m coming from, i’ll lay it all out for ya. i’m a SAHM to two high-needs boys 13 months apart in age and under the age of 2.5 years old. Zander, my oldest at 29 months of age, has a severe eating disorder that has caused delays in speech and growth as well as an iron deficiency, and which requires constant monitoring from various specialists not to mention a barrage of tests and daily mealtime battles. My youngest, Logan, is 16 months old. he was born prematurely, has battled with Gastro-Esophageal Reflux Disease all of his 16 months and has required special treatment and attention as well as 3-times-daily medications….this has also led to him expecting the kind of special and all-encompassing attention that he’s grown used to, making his temper and tantrums go far beyond average toddler behaviour. on top of dealing with these two precious-but-high-maintenance little boys everyday, i hardly ever leave the house since i am isolated from friends and family where i live…which has led us to sell our house and buy a new one closer to everyone, adding a few more stresses…and all the while i am struggling with self-image problems as well as suffering from/dealing with/coming to terms with Post Partum Depression.

i apologize if anyone was legitimately offended by this. i have never and would NEVER call him any name to his face, in front of his brother or his friends. it has been purely for much-needed stress relief.

i’m sorry if anyone is still offended, but there’s nothing i can do about that…i’m just trying to cope with all of it and this is the only way i know how.