monkeys and marbles

Archive for the ‘funny ha ha’ Category

bedtime for the boys started out pretty normal tonight. diapers changed, pajamas on, and teeth brushed, we went into Logan’s room to put him to bed first. as usual, Zander helped us sing “rock-a-bye Logan”, and then yelled “bounce!” as daddy plopped Logan in the crib. i said “sweet dreams, sleep well, see you in the morning!”, blew kisses from the doorway, and closed his door. then it was off to Zander’s room.

that’s when the bedtime routine too a sharp left.

i was giving Zander the usual hugs and kisses before putting him to bed when he looked me in the eye with a quizzical look

Zander: mommy…do you have a penis?

my jaw dropped to the floor. i looked towards Carlos to see his jaw was right down there with mine.

me: [stiffleing a giggle] no, i don’t have a penis. only boys have penises.

Zander: does daddy have a penis?

daddy: [grinning mischievously] yup…daddy has a big penis.

Zander: does mommy have a big penis?

me: no…mommies don’t have penises. only boys have a penis. you have a penis, Logan has a penis and daddy has a penis. but girls don’t have penises. they have vaginas.

Zander: [very serious about learning the truth] oh.

where that came from, i have no idea. what i can tell you is that i was so not expecting that.

seriously…where do they get this stuff?

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mr. contrary

Posted on: May 27, 2008

did you ever read those mr. men and little miss books when you were younger? you know the ones…Little Miss Sunshine, Mr. Fussy, etc., written by British author Roger Hargreaves. i did. i loved them.

well, i have an idea for a book to add to the collection. i would name it “mr. contrary”, and it would be inspired by someone very close to my heart. ( i won’t name names…Zander!)

here’s how my story would go.

once upon a time there was a little boy named Zander mr. contrary. he always had to do the opposite of everyone else, say the opposite of everyone else, or just plain disagree with everyone for the sake of disagreeing.

one day, Zander mr. contrary was playing with his mommy. mommy asked “do you want to build a tower with lego blocks?”. Zander mr. contrary said “no, i don’t want to play with lego blocks!”, so his mommy said “okay.”. then Zander mr. contrary whined said “but i wanna build a tower with lego blocks!!!”. his mommy rolled her eyes said “great! lets start building!”.

after lunch when his mommy was putting Zander mr. contrary down for his nap, she said ” i love you!”. Zander mr. contrary said “i don’t want to love mommy”. but when she was leaving the room, he yelled “i love you too!” just as she was closing the door.

later that day, Zander mr. contrary was in the kitchen while his mommy and daddy were washing and chopping veggies for a salad for dinner. his mommy asked “do you want to stand on a chair and watch?”, but he said “no”. as his mommy and daddy went about their dinner-making business Zander mr. contrary started crying. his daddy ask “what’s wrong?”, and Zander mr. contrary whimpered “i want to stand on a chair and watch!”. so his mommy and daddy stiffled a laugh ran right over to get a chair for Zander mr. contrary to stand on.

at the dinner table, his daddy asked him “do you want some chicken?”, and Zander mr. contrary said “i don’t like chicken!”, so his daddy put the fork loaded with chicken back down on the plate. then Zander mr. contrary cried said “but i want some chicken!!!”. his daddy sighed in exasperation picked up the fork, said “okay…here comes some chicken!”, and fed him some chicken.

and this continued until Zander mr. contrary slowly drove his mommy and daddy insane.

the end.

okay, so it’s not totally appropriate for children…and i need to work on the ending a bit. but it’s only a first draft…i’m sure it will be a wonderfully endearing story by the time i’m done…if i haven’t lost all my marbles by then.

the magic of corn
such a strange phenomenon
such a small veggie

no matter how much
we chew chew chew when we eat
it reappears whole

sorry if that’s tmi, but seriously…whaddup with that???

the other day we had corn with our dinner. the next morning i was changing Logan’s diaper on the floor in the living room. as is more often than not, his diaper was loaded with danger full of poop. and there it was…the tell-tale sign of the previous night’s dinner…completely reassembled as if never ingested.

that’s when Zander walked up and asked if Logan had pooped. (yes…he wants to see his brother’s poop all the time, as well has his own…that’s a weird post for another day!) he stood there staring at it as if Logan had been hiding a green, three-headed alien in his diaper.

then he raised his head, his big, blue eyes wide with wonder, and asked “mommy…why does Logan have corn in his diaper?”.

what do you say? how do you explain to a three year old that, for some unknown reason, corn has the magical ability to make it past your chompers and through your entire digestive system with barely a scratch, and then mystically reassemble itself upon its exit? how?

i told him “when we eat food, it goes down to our tummy, and then comes out as poop. so there’s corn in Logan’s diaper because we ate it for dinner last night, and he pooped it out.”. he looked at me like i had finally lost it. kid…i lost it a long time ago…

so i thought about it…how do i explain this to him in terms that he will understand. EUREKA! Zander is addicted to a Canadian show called Mighty Machines. it’s a cute show with footage of trucks, boats, what-have-you that have annoying-as-hell cute little voices explaining what they do. his current favourite is the one about recycling with the crusher, the compactor, etc.

i put on my best straight face and said “well, when you eat food, it goes down your throat like a conveyor belt to your tummy. your tummy is like a compactor and smooshes all the food up, and then it comes out as poop.” (note that i decided to skip the whole intestinal tract/bowl thing…i mean, he’s three!)

his face brightened as he said “oh..ya!”.

so now if you ask him where poop comes from, he will happily tell you a colourful story full of machinery and gadgets.

unfortunately, he never got his answer as to why whole corn was in Logan’s diaper. as soon as i learn the secret behind the magic of corn, i’ll let him know.

Haiku Friday

snotface

Posted on: January 23, 2008

both the boys have problems with stuffy noses. their noses are clogged with “boogies” all the time. thankfully, they’ve gotten used to the constant wiping, the use of the snot-sucker, and mom picking their noses all day long.

Zander learned how to blow his nose at a fairly young age. by the time he was about 18 months old, we could hold a tissue to his nose and ask him to blow, and he’d blow like a pro…which made our job a lot easier. now, at 2.5, he’ll even say “i need a tissue please!”.

and then there is Logan. oh, Logan. Logan has super-chronic nose stuffage and, unlike his brother, he can’t blow his nose…into a tissue, that is.

he has now learned to blow his nose….into his hand or onto his arm/sleeve. he lets ‘er rip, and blows boogielicious gunk all over his hand and arm. and then…and this is my favourite part….he wipes his filth-muck covered hand and arm all over his face and through his hair. he inevitably gets a boogie or two in his eye, his cheeks are slimed, and his hair is stiff and sticky from snot.

and thus begins our job of de-sliming him. at least he gets it out of his nose. plus…he’s pretty cute, right? i mean, how can you not forgive this adorable snotface?

Logan

when i was looking through my archives for something to post for Scrolling Saturday, i saw this post and new it was the one. it’s the perfect post to follow yesterday’s haiku about how serious my blog has been lately. enjoy!

*** the following post was originally published on July 12th, 2007. ***

After all of the doom and gloom posts of late, what with all the shit that’s been going on here, I thought it was time for some much needed comic relief…and my son Zander was more than happy to oblige.

Allow me to set the scene. It was bath time last night. Carlos had already run the bath, and everything was ready. As usual, we brought both of the boys upstairs into Zander’s room to strip them down for their bath. Zander was stripped down first. Then it was Logan’s turn. That’s when our noses were hit with something so foul…and that foulness was Logan’s diaper.

Carlos: Aw, man! Logan! How can someone so cute smell so bad?

Logan: A ba da….pfpfpfpfpfpfp (I’m not sure how to translate this, but as far as I can tell it means something like “Ha! That’s what you get for feeding me turkey stew for dinner, old man!”)

Carlos: [cough] [weeze] [cough] Maybe we should put a diaper on Zander until Logan is ready for the bath…??? [cough] This might take a while to clean up…..[choke]

Me: He should be okay….Zander…do you have to go pee?

Zander: No!

Me: Are you sure?

Zander: No pee pee….

Me: Do you want to go on the potty?

Zander: Pott’! No no pee pee….

Me: Okay….but tell mommy if you have to pee on the potty.

Carlos: I can hardly breathe…this is so nasty! Yak!

Me: Do you need help?

Carlos: No…I got it…

Me: Good…’cause I didn’t really want to help you anyway! [smirk]

Carlos: Ummm…..honey? What’s that sound?

Me: (I turn around to find the source of said sound) Why that’s your son peeing into the heating vent, dear!

Zander: Pee! Pee! I pee pee!

Me: Yes, Zander…you peed…all over the floor and in the vent…

Zander: I wet!

Me: Yes, Zander…you’re wet…and so is the floor….and the heating ducts….

Carlos: Here’s a receiving blanket…use this….(he throws it over to me)

I start wiping it up….

Zander: (he takes a step back to watch me clean up his mess….and starts to pee again) Pee pee!

Me: (laughing hysterically) Yes, Zander….you’re peeing….

Zander: (nodding in agreement) I PEE!

We all had a good laugh. We needed that…

I am so thankful that there are wood floors in his room, and that a warm bath was waiting for them just a few feet down the hallway!

Melissa from Such Simple Pleasures and Coleen from Manners and Moxie have started something called “Scrolling Saturday“. basically, you re-publish a post from the past. as Melissa put it, “All you do is, take an archived post, one that was shown no love…back when you were just writing for yourselves and had the random family member reading. And…repost it. It will get the love and appreciation that it was so entitled to!!!”

to join in the re-posting fun, go to the website and sign in with Mr. Linky! and now, on with the show!

*** “the search for Carl” was originally published on February 22, 2007 at my first blog, “A Beautiful Life”. Zander was 22 months old.

Zander has never said mommy or daddy. And it’s always bothered us. Other toddlers say it! Why doesn’t our toddler say it? It’s something we have longed to hear.

A few weeks ago I realized that whenever Zander was crying and asking for us, it sounded like he was saying “Carl”. And who is Carl, you ask? I wasn’t sure.

I kept listening for “Carl”, to try to find a pattern to when he said it. And it seemed that it was always when he wanted daddy. Who’s name is Carlos.

Yes, that’s right. My son is calling his father by his name! Shortly after, we realized that when he says “cat”, sometimes he means cat, sometimes he means me. Interesting.

I told my mother, who started to laugh. Apparently this runs in the family.

When I was around 14 months old, I started saying “nonny” (pronounced like Donny). My mother was so happy that I was finally starting to call her mommy. What she found odd, though, was that I would go to the window and yell “nonny! nonny!” whenever I could hear my father coming home on the tractor (I’m a farm girl, you see). And then it dawned on her. I was trying to say “honey”, which incidentally is what my mother calls my father. That’s when they started calling each other mommy and daddy in front of my brother and I.

So Carlos and I try to remember to call each other mommy and daddy in front of the boys. Which can seem awkward at times, and downright funny at others. Especially depending on the situation and whomever may be witness.

I find the whole thing funny, and rather cute. My husband does not. I’m not quite sure why he can’t find the humour in it. I think he may feel as if his son was calling for him without him knowing. But even if Zander was calling for Harold, Carlos would still go running to him. That’s just the type of father he is.

Zander has finally started to say dad. He calls Carlos dad and he calls me dad.

But that’s better than “Carl” and “cat”, I guess!

Zander & Daddy (a.k.a. Carl)

well, it’s 10:41pm here….i’m sitting on the couch blogging, and hubby is currently de-linting a tennis ball (Logan tends to eat lint whenever he finds it). do we know how to party, or what?

since we became parents, our New Year’s Eve festivities have gotten a bit more low-key. meaning we stay at home and maybe watch a movie or something. we are currently mulling over which movie to watch. the fun never stops.

so, since i don’t have anything interesting to tell you about how hubby and i are spending our New Year’s Eve, i will tell you how the day went with the kids.

Logan had a big day. he has been walking a bit more…finally! he’ll now take a few steps between pieces of furniture…when he sees fit. so that was good. and we finally cut his mullet off. well…the “party in the back” part. he had this weird bit of hair in the back that grew longer than the rest. sometimes it was curly, sometimes straight. sometimes it would just be a big frizz ball. it just couldn’t decide what it wanted to be/do. so i cut it off. i figured Logan should start 2008 with a clean cut.

as for Zander….his newest word is “drunk”. yup…he learned that one from his momma. i’m so very proud.

we had already put Logan to bed, and we were in Zander’s room getting him ready. he was sitting in his “comfy chair” with daddy, so i sat on the floor in front of them. i ducked down so that he couldn’t see me for hubby’s legs, and then popped my head back up, sending Zander into a giggle-fit. i did it again, this time pretending to gnaw on his leg when i popped back up.

Zander: [through his giggles] mmm…tasty!

me: yup! your leg sure is tasty! tastes like….

Zander: pizza!!!

we had pizza for dinner. oh ya…we go all out for New Year’s Eve!

me: [stiffling my laughter] yup! you taste like pizza ’cause that’s what you ate for dinner!

Zander: [offering me his other leg, since i was apparently done the first one] ya! tasty pizza!

me: [gnawing on his other leg] mmm….this one tastes like pizza, too!

Zander then said slurred something that hubby and i couldn’t understand because a) he now had mongo chest-imploding hiccups from laughing so hard and b) he had his bed-time soother in his mouth.

me: i have no idea what you’re saying…what are ya…drunk?

Zander: yup! i drunk!

i look over at hubby, and we both start laughing.

Zander: and mummy i’ drunk!

i lose it.

Zander: and daddy i’ drunk too!

at this point, i’m rolling on the floor, trying hard not to pee my pants.

yes, a fun and festive time was had by all on New Year’s Eve here in the Monkey House. hope the same goes for all of you…only on a more exciting scale!

Happy (and safe) New Year’s! see read you all in 2008!